Research is unequivocal on the importance of healthy, trusting relationships between adults and kids – especially in the early years. From brain development to language acquisition, and emotional well-being, the roots of our growth are anchored in deep attachments with caregivers.
Anxious to provide for a child’s attachment needs, parents have now become self-conscious about their relationships with kids. Self-doubt looms like a shadow leaving us preoccupied with questions about our ability to provide for a child. What does a good relationship look like? How can you set limits and restrictions and preserve connection? How much attention is enough? Can you give a child too much attachment? Are our children doomed if we struggle to connect with them?
One of the most prevalent questions parents have is what is the nature of a good relationship between adults and kids? The term ‘secure attachment’ is often used as a benchmark for based on the work of John Bowlby but in truth, there is no relationship or individual secure from the futilities and separations in life. The purpose of attachment is to ensure a child is dependent on us so that we can be the answer to their needs, and they are receptive to our care. The better question to ask is what can we do to ensure a child rests in our care? What is at the root of making sure they feel safe enough so they can feel, play, and grow?
When it comes to taking care of our kids’ attachment to us, parenting and educational practices in North American have taken a wrong turn. We now directly ask a child or teen, “do you feel safe or loved by me,” or “what do you need from me to feel safe or loved?” These questions can unwittingly set the stage for creating insecurity in our kids. When we turn our kids into consultants on how to raise them the message we may convey is we don’t know what they need or how to care for them. Children were never meant to be responsible for making themselves feel safe or loved. The nature of attachment is cascading meaning children orient, follow, and seek out contact with their caretakers. We need our kids to rest in our care and to take for granted it will continue despite their conduct and performance. If there were one key to taking care of kids it would be to invite them to rest in our care and to trust that we will take the lead and provide generously.
We are born with natural provider instincts which are at the root of our desire to help a child feel safe. The problem is the more we express our loving intentions and ideas directly the more it can backfire on us. Attachment works best when it is more invisible and felt as natural. We have been taking care of our kids long before there were parenting experts and developmental science, so it is in our instincts to give this way. For example, for thousands of years ancient parenting practices included singing lullabies to get kid to sleep or to provide food for them.
Nature was wise in her pairing of parents and kids. The desire to connect is in both of us with a child’s love for us empowering us as their caretaker. We don’t need to have all the answers but to show up to be their answer for contact and closeness. Caring can’t be manufactured and comes from deep instincts hardwired in the brain to provide for another. The key to relationships is seemingly paradoxical – it is not to overthink our attachment needs but to embrace the vulnerability that is part of becoming the answer to a child’s greatest hunger. As soon as we assume responsibility we may also find confusion, guilt, frustration, fear, to upset that provide messages on how we are doing, as well as joy and fulfillment.
The key to taking care of a child is to inspire their dependence on us. It means we don’t need to as them too many questions and instead notice what they need and move to provide. It might mean finding our own tears about the ways we fall short and wish to take care of them. It would be realizing that information never made someone feel safe, but the caring presence of another person surely does – for adults too. It’s about conveying an invitation to exist in our presence that doesn’t come at the cost of emotional expression. It’s about parental insight and not instructions from others that only serves to dumb us down. It means conveying to our kids that they are not too big, too much, or too difficult to care for. It requires that we assume responsibility for our relationship, repair it when needed, and to hold on across the separations that are part of life (like bedtime, going to school, or work).
Perhaps the better question to ask ourselves is how do we know when we matter to someone? What do they do that conveys to us that there is a generous and warm invitation to be close? Perhaps it is a twinkle in their eye, a sense of delight on their face, a warm smile, or laughter that fills the space between us? Maybe it is how they hang onto our words and take pleasure that we share our inner world with them? Perhaps it is the time they take to play with us so that we experience a sense of mattering to them? We are all inclined to trust someone when they are patient with our upset and offer a soft response so that our tears can fall.
What I know for sure is the times I felt I mattered most are when I felt understood and seen. Understanding is another word for love, and love is the greatest need we have for survival.
Love is already in us to give; we just need to show up and say yes I will.
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Read previous article written by Deborah MacNamara
Dr. Deborah MacNamara is an author, clinical counselor, and faculty member of the Neufeld Institute, founded by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. Her books, Rest, Play, Grow and Nourished, have been translated into over 15 languages and are bestsellers. Deborah supports parents, educators, and professionals in understanding children and transitioning into parenthood.
