We thought parents would be tired and they wouldn’t actively join the discussion, as it was already evening and everyone came there right after work. But we were wrong! A chatter of happy parents welcomed us. They were sharing what had happened after the previous workshop and how they succeeded in applying some of the tips. The workshop was held in Pionir, a pre-school center, and it was moderated by our own Smiljana Grujic and facilitator Marko Radivojevic.

This time, the topic was children’s unacceptable behavior and how parents should act in those situations. In the beginning, everyone shared what they thought was an unacceptable child behavior. Parents gave examples familiar to everyone: when children speak over their parents, when they want something bought for them and they insist so much that they throw a tantrum at a retail store and demand from parents to do it right away, when they make faces to draw attention to themselves, or when they pretend not to hear and do not answer when we call them.

The room was ringing with:

“Oh, that upsets me, too!”

“I had that happen to me, as well!”

“And what did you do then?”

Afterward, Smiljana asked them what they had done or had said in situations such as those.

Then, the Support, Not Perfection program once again proved that it was not only a chance for parents to get some suggestions. It was also a space where they could express their feelings.

An honest response from one of the moms touched everyone:

“Well, what can I do! I tried to calm him down multiple times, but in the end, I had to raise my voice. Even though I know I shouldn’t. So in the evening, I complained to my husband how I broke my promise that I won’t raise my voice at our child.” Other parents immediately applauded her experience confession and said that they too acted similarly in some situations.

Smiljana Grujic, the coordinator of the “Support, Not Perfection” program and Marko Radivojevic, the facilitator, moderated together the workshop held in Jagodina.

After this, Smiljana and Marko discussed some other strategies of reacting to those situations. Parents are mostly angry at that moment. For that reason, it is necessary for them to calm themselves in order to successfully calm the child as well. It is only afterward that they can patiently approach the child, listen to their needs and point out what the parent also wants and why it is good for the child.

The key was that the parents did not feel as if Smiljana and Marko were teaching them or pointing out their mistakes. They were simply encouraged to consider some other ways of reacting and choose the one most suitable for them.

At the workshop, there was also the youngest participant yet – three-months-old baby Katarina! She was present the whole time, resting in her mom Tamara’s arms. Tamara was delighted that this kind of workshop was held in a town like Jagodina. Although Tamara also has three elder children and plenty of parenting experience, she believes more education is always welcome. Especially concerning children.

“In some way, our whole family is taking part in this program! My husband and I come to the workshop together. We also bring Katarina with us, because she’s little and we can’t leave her. So, it’s great that she’s always with us and that we can share this experience with her. Meanwhile, our other children are with their teachers in this same kindergarten.”

We had a special guest at the workshop – baby Katarina!

We also met spouses Borko and Ivana, who come together to the workshop. Borko admitted he was a bit skeptic at first and that he agreed to take part in the workshop after Ivana insisted.

“But now, I’m very proud of myself, for opening up in front of other parents more easily than Ivana. And it was already at the first workshop session! We knew that we might have a problem sharing our experiences with the parents we know because we live in a small town. But,  we are all so relaxed  during the workshop so no one really thinks about that,” Borko is very pleased.

This is a special experience for them because they attend the workshop together. It is also beneficial for their own relationship and their relationship with their child.

“Now, when we encounter a mutual problem, we can build on everything we heard at these workshop sessions. We agree on things more easily, we understand each other better and set mutual goals,” says Ivana.

Participants in the workshop were very motivated to share their experience.

Also, one example that dad Ivan gave us was really amusing. He said that when he was with children, facilitator Marko would appear before his eyes and give him suggestions.

“I was drawn in right away by the tagline: “There are no perfect parents, only the right ones”. It motivated me to realize that my child is not the only one who sometimes behaves inappropriately. It happens to other parents and other children, too. That’s why exchanging experiences with other parents inspires me to consider if I have acted properly or if I could act like some other parents in the future,” Ivan says.

That is exactly what facilitator Marko wants for parents to take from our workshops. He wants parents to know that they are not alone. He wants them to maintain that connection and be aware that they can ask each other for advice. In the end, someone usually volunteers to tell their experience at the next workshop related to its topic. A mom volunteered right away, excitedly saying that something similar had happened to her before and that she could not wait to share it with others.

Smiljana asked them to explain in one word what they thought about the workshop that had just been held. Moms and dads said the workshop was a change for them, building on, inspiration and amazement. Parents went home motivated and with their “lightbulbs on”. And we all kept Smiljana’s kind words in our hearts: “This is a one-of-a-kind experience for me – to have a baby present at the workshop. After this, everything gets greater purpose and importance. So, thank you baby Katarina!”.

**

Support, Not Perfection program has been active for two and a half years, and the 5^th cycle started in March. In addition to attendees, the workshops also include 34 facilitators and 22 tutors organizing activities with children, while parents are at the sessions. The goal of the programme is not to make perfect parents/guardians out of the participants, but to empower them with knowledge, skill, and support they can rely on.

The post The story about parents who are not afraid to share their feelings appeared first on Novak Djokovic Foundation.

In today’s dynamic world, being a parent is a big challenge. You can read thousands of parenting books on how to properly raise your child, but what the child actually needs are “roots to grow and wings to fly.” You should accept that you won’t always be a perfect parent to your child, but that with all the unconditional love you give, you’ll be the right parent. Smiljana Grujic is here to help you on that path of enlightenment!

Smiljana is one of those people who you immediately trust so much you want to tell her all your problems. She is always cheerful and smiling, with a big heart, gentle and empathic. She’s a great storyteller, advisor, and comrade. Smiljana is a psychologist and a psychotherapist and provides advice for our readers in the area of early child development. If you want to re-read Smiljana’s tips, you can do it here.

There isn’t a period during which we grow, learn and change more than in the earliest childhood. The child’s strongest connection in that period is the one they have with their parents. That’s why it’s important to empower parents, so they could provide the best possible support for their children.

“Unfortunately, there’s no parenthood school. Even though parents act toward children with good intentions, their ways of upbringing often don’t align with those intentions. Parents should be aware that their everyday behavior with a child must be guided by their long-term goal – the child’s best development.“

Smiljana Grujic, coordinator of the Support, not Perfection program

As a great expert in her area, Smiljana helps parents overcome the challenges of parenthood. Together with her colleague Nina Sokolovic, she designed a programme called Support, not Perfection. This programme provides parents with additional information, skills, and support for encouraging their children’s development at their most sensitive age.

“Parents can learn more easily by exchanging experiences with people who have similar problems and by interacting with an expert. At workshops, we talk with our participants about the results they have achieved, and together we come to conclusions on how they could further improve their skills of raising a child.”

Parents get advice such as how to respond to a child’s temper outburst or what activities stimulate a child’s development. The Support, not Perfection programme has been organized for two and a half years and it’s completely free of charge. In March we have started our 5^th cycle. So far, 800 parents and guardians of children 6 years old and younger from 12 municipalities across Serbia have completed the programme.

“We want to encourage parents to think about the way they  criticize, teach,  talk and listen to them. They should remember that there are alternatives in the everyday building of a relationship with children.”

If you want to learn how to properly support your child’s development while giving him all your love, Novak Djokovic Foundation and Smiljana invite you to join the Support, Not Perfection programme!

The post Everything in life can be postponed, except for love! appeared first on Novak Djokovic Foundation.

When kids push your buttons

Usually we get upset when our kids are not doing what we want them to do. They’re not listening or they’re not complying. In our heads, we start worrying that were not doing a good job as parents. We worry that we don’t know what to do to get them under our control. Sometimes, we fast forward to the future and wonder if this is how they’re going to be the rest of their lives. And in doing that, our anxiety increases. Much better solution in these situations would be to prepare for your child to push your buttons and not take it personally. Your child is doing his “being a kid” job and your job is to remain calm so you can guide him.

The most important thing to remember about anger is not to act while you’re angry. You’ll feel an urgent need to act, to teach your child a lesson. But that’s your anger talking. It thinks this is an emergency. It almost never is, though. You can teach your child later, and it will be the lesson you actually want to teach. Therefore, commit to no hitting, no swearing, no calling your child names while angry.

The next time you find yourself getting inappropriately irritated or angry with your child try to put the interaction on hold and, if possible, take time to calm down. In this way, you can stop yourself from inflicting greater emotional damage in the heat of the moment and  give yourself the opportunity to reflect about what may have triggered your emotional reactions in the first place. Then you can reconnect with yourself and once again feel compassion for your children.

How to cope if close to yelling or snapping

Here are some tips to help you control your temper before you lose it:

Stop, drop and breathe.

The feeling of annoyance or anger at your child is a signal to stop. Drop everything else you’re doing, take a deep breath and count to 10. It also helps to repeat a mantra like “Everything will be ok” or “He’s acting like a child because he’s a child.”   Keep breathing slowly until you feel some calm flow through you. It gives you that tiny space between thought and action that lets you choose more wisely.

Put your own oxygen mask on first.

What will calm you right now?   A cup of tea on the back steps listening to the birds while the kids run around?  Putting on music and dancing with your kids while you all sing and shout as loudly as you can?   Do it for five minutes. You can always make it up somewhere else, and this will change the whole tone of your day.   After you’re calmer, you can revisit whatever was upsetting you with your child, and make things better.

Recognise triggers.

If the same things get to you all the time, then learning to recognise what triggers your temper can help you stay calm. Whether it’s a teenager’s attitude or a toddler’s never-ending use of the word ‘no’, knowing what can set you off can help you keep control. Even the fact that you’re aware you may lose your temper in that situation can be enough to stop you going down the shouty path.

Cheer up.

Try to find a way to laugh, which discharges the tension and shifts the mood. Even forcing yourself to smile sends a message to your nervous system that there’s no emergency, and begins calming you down. If you need to make a noise, hum. It can help to physically discharge your anger, so try putting on some music and dancing.

Turn “I must” into “I want”.

Define your priorities. “I must clean this mess” or “I want to teach my child to pick up his toys, and put an end to the toys everywhere”. Which statement is getting you closer to your “remain calm and find the way to finish what you have started without hurting anybody’s feelings” goal?

See the bigger picture.

Think about this for a moment. The next time you’re upset at your child, think if this is a situation that will affect you and your family a year from now. No? Then it’s probably not worth getting too worked up about. Remember that your child is exactly that, a child.   Don’t expect him to act as an adult.

Exercise.

Instead of letting the anger boil up inside you, offer to get yourself of the situation with your child and instead go for a walk around the block. You’ll both feel much better and calmer afterwards.

Finally, if nothing works go into your car with the windows rolled up and scream where no one can hear.

Your children get angry too, so it’s a double gift to them to find constructive ways to deal with your anger. You not only don’t hurt them, you offer them a role model. Your child will certainly see you angry from time to time, and how you handle those situations teaches children a lot.

“Support, not Perfection” program the Novak Djokovic Foundation launched last year brings some of the most effective methods to deal with this and other top parenting challenges.

For more information about the program email us at projects@novakdjokovicfoundation.org or share your experiences and impressions in the comment section below.

About the author

Smiljana Grujic  is a psychologist and psychotherapist dedicated to education. The focus of her work is compassionate communication and emotions management. Smiljana is the expert associate of the Novak Djokovic Foundation.

The post How to avoid losing your temper when your child won’t listen appeared first on Novak Djokovic Foundation.