When your child lies to you, it’s usually either hilarious or hurtful. Perhaps you find it hilarious when said child tells you that he/she most definitely didn’t raid the pantry”¦but the almost obnoxious smear of chocolate round his/her mouth gives him/her away. Indeed, capture this lie on video and it might even become another classic YouTube hit. But for other parents the same lie could be hurtful, making them question and criticise their own parenting techniques. Depending on the nature and frequency of the lies, as a parent you might even start to wonder the extent to which you can actually trust your own kid. Whichever of these scenarios you find yourself in, don’t worry – you and your child will be okay. Nonetheless, it’s important you know why lying occurs and how to respond to it, both to ease your mind and to assist your child’s development in the best way possible.

Why It Happens

In order for a child to actually be ‘lying’, he/she needs to be fully aware that what he/she is saying is untrue and that it is wrong. This level of awareness is rarely seen in children before they reach the age of around 3-4 years old, when they have gained a degree of development that allows their brains to process and relay information in this way. So, rest assured, your 2-year-old toddler isn’t lying – he/she is just expressing the product of a developing imagination mixed with elements of reality. But why do kids choose to lie, as they get older? Should you be at all worried that your child is gradually learning to manipulate people to get what he/she wants?

Children lie for a number of different reasons, all of which depend on the situation they’re in and their motivation. Sound familiar? Yes, adults (like you and me) often lie based upon these same core factors. Nevertheless, you should be aware of the main reasons why your child might be lying. Not only can and do these reasons differ from those of adults but it also, depending on the reason and its scale, may be necessary to tackle any deeper emotional, psychological or physical issues that may be affecting him/her (and therefore causing him/her to lie). Here are some reasons that could explain why your child is lying:

•  Fear – when kids are scared of the consequences of their actions, they often lie to cover up. It might be worth assessing if your rules are too strict or if the limits are too tight.
•  To protect someone else.
•  Because the truth is boring and your child is imaginative.
•  To avoid an unpleasant task – e.g. saying he/she has already brushed his/her teeth when this is not the case.
•  Because he/she craves your (or someone else’s) approval and wants to impress you.
•  To see how the person being lied to reacts.
•  By mistake/reflex reaction – e.g. quickly claiming “I didn’t!” when asked who broke the vase.

Copyright: YanLev

How (Not) to Respond

Although being aware of the reasons behind childhood lies is both interesting and important, it’s just as crucial to know that lying in early childhood is absolutely normal. In fact, it’s an important part of your child’s development, allowing him/her to gain independence, emotional regulation and the ability to assess and put things into perspective. Although we may not want our child to lie to us (or to anyone else!), to an extent we must let them learn these vital life skills.

Nonetheless, an element of intervention on your part does need to play a role so that your child does not learn to lie incessantly to get what he/she desires as he/she gets older – manipulative lies in teenagers and adults can lead to much more severe consequences. But it’s a somewhat delicate line to walk on. There are many tips and tricks that can advise you on how best to respond to kids of various ages; however, essentially it’s important that, as a parent, you do not punish a child (especially when young) for a lie, but rather address it calmly and by introducing/discussing themes such as honesty and trust. It’s also important that you and other adults around your child are setting a good example – you can’t expect your kids to be honest if you aren’t. On the whole, however, don’t fret too much. Yes, lying is bad. Yes, you should take time to address it with your child. But let his/her imagination wander a bit too. After all, a creative mind is a healthy mind.

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Your child is learning all the time, whether that be being taught the alphabet by their kindergarten teacher or discovering the meaning of a new word during their bedtime story. So it’s important that you and kindergarten teachers work in tandem to allow your child to reach their full learning potential. Kindergarten teachers have been aware of this for quite some time – parent-teacher conferences are there for a reason! It’s not too late for you to jump on board too by realising the 4 things teachers want you to know.

1. Parents Play a Critical Role

It’s obvious that parents play a critical role at home, but when your child starts kindergarten it’s important that you don’t just give them a kiss goodbye and say I’ll pick you up soon. While this is helpful in comforting your child, it’s important that you also take some steps to help out their teacher – this will have huge benefits for your child’s development. As your child’s first teacher (you did teach them how to walk and talk, among other things, after all), you may feel like you’re missing out on their growth. Nonetheless, you should welcome kindergarten teachers as important partners over the next stages of your child’s development and ensure they are kept up to speed with what you’ve noticed in your child. Is your child a visual learner or do they prefer to learn by doing? Does your child have a relatively short or long attention span? These are all things involving your child’s development that are important for kindergarten teachers to know so they can determine a learning program that best fits your child’s needs – so work together with their kindergarten teacher. That being said”¦

2. The Value of Families and Teachers Working Together as Partners is Research-Based

You hear a lot of things as a parent – everyone always seems to want to give you advice. But establishing a collaborative partnership with your child’s kindergarten teacher carries a value that has been proven by research. When schools and families acknowledge the relevance of parental involvement, kindergarten teachers are able to develop a supportive environment for learning. The benefits for children may at such an early stage appear too broad or long-term, but the patterns for success begin in early childhood and extend into later life with things such as higher grades, better attendance, more positive attitudes and behaviour, as well as greater enrolment in higher education.

3. Communication is Key

It’s all very well for you to know that partnership with kindergarten teachers is important, but the only way to actually achieve this is through communication. The best way to do this is to establish a means of talking to your child’s kindergarten teacher, who will want to accommodate this in the best way for you and your family. Approach your child’s teacher and ask them how they recommend you learn more about your child’s learning programme, as well as their wider school life. Also be sure to share your preferred method of communication, whether that be email, text, phone call or through “letters home” in your child’s book bag. There’s no right way – just make sure you and your child’s kindergarten teacher are on the same page!

Copyright: Photographee.eu

4. Teachers Want to Know What Makes Your Family Unique

Life is incredibly diverse and kindergarten is no different; the relevance of your specific home and culture is of great importance in terms of your collaboration with your child’s kindergarten teacher. You should take the time to inform the teacher of the unique characteristics that define your family and the way your child is being brought up. For instance, my parents always made sure my kindergarten teachers knew I was being brought up in a multilingual home and that they were both immigrants whose native languages weren’t English. Not only did sharing this information mean my teachers knew to focus on helping me develop my English language skills, but it also allowed them to appreciate that I was open-minded and curious to learn about different ideas, thereby meaning I received a kindergarten education that was catered towards developing both my identified strengths and weaknesses. For the sake of your child’s education and development, “sharing is caring” – so let’s do more of it.

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In September a new National Curriculum comes into force in the United Kingdom which will try, among other things, to raise the profile of languages in schools. For a country not famed for our linguistic competence this has to be a promising step. Without going into the logistic complications of how this might work with no government commitment to funding and a lack of languages proficiency or training amongst teachers, this should combat our country’s reputation in communicating in a language other than English. In all likelihood this language provision is going to continue to follow the historical language choices of French and Spanish with maybe some German and Italian with the odd school which welcomes Mandarin Chinese into the fold. I understand and support the reasons for schools choosing to offer discrete lessons in these subjects and if we were to look at the most influential languages for British businesses, German comes top of the list[1] with the traditional European languages still considered important.

What concerns me however is that the rich and varied linguistic abilities reflected in society are not considered equal to a GCSE in French or Spanish. As a nation we do not embrace the linguistic dexterity coming from 1 in 6 British pupils who speak a language other than English at home. Their skills are instead seen as a ‘learning need’ as schools try to bring them up to speed in English without celebrating the significant achievement of their bilingualism or even trilingualism. Not only does this affect the self esteem of pupils and their families but it has wider economic consequences too. Polish whilst being the fifth most useful language to businesses in the UK[2] is relegated to the status of a ‘community language’. I could not tell you of a single school which actually teaches Polish but bemoans the admitted difficulty of having a child who does not speak English in their class. It seems that all the benefits we attribute to language learning do not apply to the Turkish or Guajarati speaker and yet we should recognise that the problem solving and communication abilities of bilingual children are usually higher than monolingual children. It is also well documented that children acquire a new language with more ease the more they have developed their communication and language abilities in their native tongue.

Learning a foreign language helps children to achieve more

Parents should be supported in maintaining and improving their child’s native tongue as this is the language which they are likely to be most proficient in and able to provide quality and consistent support. With one in six children in English primary schools speaking languages other than English at home[3], surely we should be trying to harness this amazing resource to provide opportunities for children. As the Vice-Chancellor of Cambridge University, Leszek Borysiewicz says:

“These are real languages: living languages that give people a huge insight into culture and give the children who can speak them additional opportunities.”[4] It cannot be that the only languages to have value are the ones taught in schools and mastered by those progressing to the upper echelons of higher education.

Isn’t that what education is about – enabling every child to achieve the maximum potential? What I’d love to see is an emphasis that this is an added value that that child has, a talent, and we should aspire to allow other children who may be monolingual to strive to become as bilingual as they possibly can be.”[5]

Global demand for languages

This then comes down to policy makers, businesses and communities themselves to ensure that these language and cultural skills are utilised both in and outside the education system. Whilst school curriculums are notoriously busy already and can’t offer discrete teaching in an array of languages, they could include a wider variety of languages in creative ways. Some sport or music could be taught through another language and whilst teachers can’t be expected to be able to teach multiple languages, they should be open to the idea of languages in their classroom either through specialists, external providers or parents.

Languages need to be seen as both useful and desirable in order for them to have value in society. Despite the global demand which is crying out for more people with language proficiency, too many are simply covering their ears to this fact because they themselves feel uncomfortable with languages. Mother tongues should be maintained, sustained and celebrated rather than replaced with English as a language of convenience.

Additionally languages should not be the preserve of the lucky few who are brought up from birth with another language. Whilst fluency is a wonderful ideal, some functional basics in another language as well as the intercultural understanding that this can bring will take you a long way.

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[1]http://www.britishcouncil.org/sites/britishcouncil.uk2/files/languages-for-the-future.pdf

[2]http://www.cbi.org.uk/infographics/foreign-languages-rated-by-importance-to-employers/

[3]http://www.theguardian.com/education/2014/jun/02/cambridge-university-boss-wants-languages-pushed-in-uk-classrooms

[4]http://www.theguardian.com/education/2014/jun/02/cambridge-university-boss-wants-languages-pushed-in-uk-classrooms

[5]http://www.theguardian.com/education/2014/jun/02/cambridge-university-boss-wants-languages-pushed-in-uk-classrooms

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