When we’re hit by the cruel reality, what every single one of us needs the most is support. Someone who will now and then say   “It’s OK” or “It happened to me too”.   All we need to know is that we’re not alone and there’s no reason for us to feel like an alien. That a single mistake we made unintentionally will not have a crucial impact on the life of our child. We need to realize that there is no perfect parent and that we should not strive towards perfection.

My husband and I found this in the “Support, not Perfection“ program carried out by the Novak Djokovic Foundation.

I am a mother of four beautiful children. As soon as people here that, many tend to think that I am an expert for children. However, I say to them right away that I perhaps have a little bit more experience than most of the people, but that the knowledge of upbringing of children is very relative. For children develop and we, as parents, develop along with them. On that road, we acquire knowledge together – children about the world around them and their position in it, and we about our children, their needs and interests. At the same time, every child is the story for themselves. That’s why I believe that nothing is universal when it comes to parenthood and that the parent needs to adapt everything to suit his children.

Tamara and her husband with their big family.

That’s exactly what the workshops held within the “Support, not Perfection” program have shown us. In ten workshops, we discussed various issues almost every parent comes across while taking care of their children.

And no, there was not a single reply “do this and that and it will be solved” – for there’s no magic wand. And if you think that you will be served a solution, you could not be more wrong. For all the solutions are within us and the workshops only helped us realize that.

My husband and I started attending the workshops together. We simply thought that would be the best way to see the results because we worked together on the relationship with our children.  It is very beneficial when two parents reach a common standpoint as to the manner in which they want to educate their children and what kind of mutual relations they want to build up in the family. Our youngest baby attended every workshop together with us. She was 3-months-old at the beginning of the program. She became a part of our little group in a certain way. Now, she is 6-months-old, she started to eat mash food and is a very communicative baby.

Our older three children, a boy aged 7 year and girls aged 3 and 1,5 years were playing with their teacher while we were at the workshop.

I have to admit that this is the thing that amazed me the most- that the Foundation took time to also think about the children.

Considering that we do not have grandmothers or grandfathers nor anyone else for that matter with whom we could entrust our children, this Foundation’s additional effort actually enabled us to attend the program.

Tamara enjoyed each workshop of the “Support, not Perfection” program with her baby.

The group of parents that attended the program got very close as the time went by. We even started to share among ourselves some of the most difficult and intimate stories and situations when we felt completely helpless and as total failures.  Without any parent judging each other. The group also shared some nice moments, birthdays and festivities. We encouraged every success, as well as every attempt regardless of it not being successful. Sometimes these are just the things that every parent needs the most.

I can clearly remember our first workshop. We were all just sitting in quiet. We felt awkward to present ourselves to each other and a certain dose of skepticism was noticeable among us all. However, as the workshop was passing along, we were becoming closer and I can say on behalf of everybody that we were all eagerly awaiting the following Tuesday when we had our workshops in evening hours.

The wonderful people I have met are for me definitely the strongest impression of this program. Actually, a short time before the beginning of workshops, my family and  I moved to Jagodina and did not know anybody. Now, I can genuinely say that we have gained true friends.

“Each parent needs to know that a perfect parent doesn’t exist and that we do not need to strive to perfection”.

However, somebody will say that “It is all nice and peachy but did it give any concrete results? “. Oh yes, it did!

One of the homework we were given was to set a parenting goal related to each topic of the workshop. This was the way to make us concentrate and organize one per one segment of our parenthood life. My husband and I managed to recognize the moments when a certain child is in need of extra attention and how to help them feel not neglected (and this can prove as a true challenge in a household with four children). We restored the regular evening routine, we learned how to keep calm in crisis situations and ways to resolve the conflict with children in an amicable way. Also, we learned how to find some personal time for ourselves as well as for us as a couple.

We also realized that we are not such bad parents ourselves, but rather that we sometimes miss creative problem-solving tools that can replace disciplinary measures that do not do us nor the children any good.

And what matters the most,  we got the support.  Primarily, through our facilitator Marko, who  was patient and full of  understanding  to  us all and he was always there to encourage us and direct us. Not only at the workshops, but any time of the day or night. His words would appear as a light bulb in our heads when we face a challenging situation. The group calls this “Marko the light bulb” and this is one of the most powerful impressions  we experienced together.

Why did my husband and I get interested in the program anyway? We believe that it is always necessary to improve yourself. Not for the outside factors, but in order to feel better and be happy with yourself. By investing in ourselves, we also invest in our children. And no, our children will not have perfect parents, but parents who are pleased with themselves and who try to be the best version of themselves. And what is more perfect than this?

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“If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get   you   there.” –  Cheshire Cat, Alice in Wonderland

If we want our children to become responsible, confident and happy adults, we need to work on it every day. Parents have many long-term goals for their children, but they often don’t know or forget how to act as their child is growing up, in order to accomplish those goals. It’s not an easy road to take. They are often busy and day to day duties remind them that life isn’t always fair. All that rush makes parents often forget that what they do every day for building a relationship with their children is actually investing in their future – and that’s priceless.

It’s not peculiar to see that parents have one thing as their long-term goal, and then do something completely different on an everyday basis, while also using ways that don’t result in the accomplishment of those long-term goals. For example, a parent wants their child to learn to choose what’s best for them. However, whenever a child wants to choose something, the parent makes the choice instead of them. Or, as another example, parents want their child to be confident. But when tries something, or when they’re curious, parents shout at them, label them and judge them.

Consider if sometimes you say the following:

• I want my son to become a capable and independent person, who finds his way in any situation, whatever happens;
• I want my daughter to become a confident woman who loves herself and her body;
• I want my son to become a husband who respects his wife;
• I want my child to be generous, to always respect others and help them;
• I want my child to have social and emotional skills they need to perform well and to get along with their peers at work;
• I want my child to be independent and choose what’s good for them.

This way, you’re actually setting long-term goals for your child. However, in order to achieve them, the first thing you need to do is set efficient, short-term goals.

Long-term goals give us direction and motivation, while short-term goals help us to get closer to the ultimate outcome one step at a time.

Short-term goals help you come closer to achieving your long-term goals for your child. Copyright: Katya Shut

Good short-term goals:

• are the basis for making decisions on a daily basis;
• motivate us and don’t allow us to lose our way;
• allow us to monitor our accomplishments.

In order to define good short-term goals you first need to ponder what are your long-term goals for your child. Think about what kind of person should they become, what qualities should they have and how should they treat themselves, their family and friends.

Write it down in a notebook that’s important for you and one you won’t lose.

Once you do that, you should work on yourself every day and set short-term goals for yourself.

In order for your short-term goals to be efficient, they should be:

1. Important – they should contain values you want to install in your child everyday and ones that motivate you;
2. Accomplishable – take into account the resources you have at your disposal (time, money, skills, support), conditions and all the circumstances necessary for achieving the goal;
3. Specific – provide detailed and clear descriptions of what you want to achieve and what your success is supposed to look like;
4. Time-limited– don’t dedicate your whole life to reach the goal, but a limited time period during which you can remember it and monitor it; and
5. Tangible – set a goal in a way which allows you to know when it is accomplished.

Here are a few more examples which may help your better understanding of the correlation between short-term and long-term goals:

Long-term goal: I want my child to be confident.

Short-term goal: This week, whenever my child makes an effort to do something difficult for them and something it has not mastered yet, I will praise them by telling them clearly what I like. I am going to avoid criticism and labeling such as: “You’re stupid, shame on you.”

Long-term goal: I want my child to appreciate life and be happy and thankful for everything that happens to them.

Short-term goal: Every night, I will dedicate a few minutes to tell them what I was thankful for that day.

Smiljana Grujic  is a psychologist and psychotherapist dedicated to education and a program manager for the Novak Djokovic Foundation.   The focus of her work is compassionate communication and emotions  management.

Smiljana is the coordinator of the  “Support, not Perfection”  program that supports parents who have children 0-6 years  old.

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